Thanks
Hi everyone. I want to thank all that came to celebrate my birthday. I had a great time. The food was good and Kelly, the cake was wonderful. Also, thanks for all the cards and useful and practical gifts. Carol, thanks for thinking of me. It was good to hear from you last night.
This morning I took a geritol to see if it would give me a little pep. I think it did but it might have stopped me up a little. When I got home from work I thought I’d try one of those chocolate laxatives. It was so tastee I couldn’t help but having a couple more.
I then decided to check out the spray on hair to cover my balding head. I looked good but being dark brown it didn’t match my gray beard so I sprayed it there too. ‘Man’, I thought, ‘I look good’. Why have I never done this before? I was anxious to get out with my new look so I thought what the heck? I’ll just go to borders and lowes and use my gift cards.
I had some over spray from the hair stuff and managed to get it all off except for a little on my forehead. I thought, ‘this isn’t good’ but then I remembered my birthday hat and sure enough, it covered the blemish. ‘All right!’ I said, so I headed out, first stop borders. I was feeling good. On the way I saw two attractive young ladies in another car looking over at me and smiling and then looking at each other and giggling. It was great!
I arrived at borders but when I got inside I started to feel a little queasy. I decided to order a double cappuccino and sit a while to see if I felt better. I had just about finished my coffee when all of a sudden nature called fast and furious. As I hurried to the restroom I realized maybe I shouldn’t have eaten those extra chocolates.
I made it through the door and halfway to the stall I already had my jeans darn near to my ankles. I looked up and there stood an elderly lady (about my age) reading my new birthday briefs! I started to say ‘lady what the?’ when she smacked me up side the head with her purse. As I fell backward she said, “pervert” and ran out of the restroom. I didn’t care and got to stall just in time. Just as I was washing up here comes the store manager. He seemed angry and told me to get out of the store and not come back. It seems in my haste I mistakenly went into the women’s restroom!
As I left the store I realized I must of pulled something all over in the fall because I was now walking with a gimp and a slight hunch. On the way to lowes I decided that while there I would look for a nice piece of oak that I could whittle a cane out of to help my with my new walking troubles.
I got to lowes and after a quick bathroom stop I found my way to lumber. I picked out a nice piece of oak and then went to the tool department to get a good whittling knife. I picked out a knife and headed to the cashier. I was still a little embarrassed about the borders incident but was feeling a little better and was anxious to get home and start whittling my new cane. After another restroom stop I went to my car and headed home.
On the way home my cell rang and I saw it was the AARP retuning my call about a problem with my membership. I answered the call but realized that the purse to my head had affected my hearing. I thought quick and saw my ‘over the hill hearing aid’ so I put it to my ear and then juggled the cell up to it. It worked! I could hear the person on the other line but just as we started our conversation I realized there was a policeman pulling me over.
The policeman came to the window and asked me what I was doing with this contraption and cell on my ear. I explained my predicament. He was a nice young black cop and seemed understanding. He told me to wait until I got where I was going to make the call because apparently I was driving erratically. I said ‘ok officer, thanks for the warning’.
Just as he was saying, “have a nice day” He happened to look over and see my ‘black girlfriend doll’ that mom gave me. He kind of laughed and asked, “what’s up with that?” Without thinking I laughed and said ‘oh, my mother gave that to me as a birthday joke’. Oddly his demeanor changed and he sternly said “you and your mother think that’s funny? What the hell kind of family do you have anyway? I’m going to write you a ticket for inattentive driving". I said ‘ok but please hurry. I have to use the bathroom'.
By this time I was just ready to get home. I was getting kind of sore from all the bathroom trips and wanted to get home and try some of that preparation h. I still wanted to whittle some on my cane and maybe play with my cow that poops jellybeans, then go to bed early. I guess 50 does hit you pretty hard because I felt I lot younger just a couple of days ago.
Anyway, thanks again all for making this b-day a memorable one. I really enjoyed it.
Sorry, I realized I’ve been ranting about myself and rudely forgot to ask, how was everyone else’s day?
This morning I took a geritol to see if it would give me a little pep. I think it did but it might have stopped me up a little. When I got home from work I thought I’d try one of those chocolate laxatives. It was so tastee I couldn’t help but having a couple more.
I then decided to check out the spray on hair to cover my balding head. I looked good but being dark brown it didn’t match my gray beard so I sprayed it there too. ‘Man’, I thought, ‘I look good’. Why have I never done this before? I was anxious to get out with my new look so I thought what the heck? I’ll just go to borders and lowes and use my gift cards.
I had some over spray from the hair stuff and managed to get it all off except for a little on my forehead. I thought, ‘this isn’t good’ but then I remembered my birthday hat and sure enough, it covered the blemish. ‘All right!’ I said, so I headed out, first stop borders. I was feeling good. On the way I saw two attractive young ladies in another car looking over at me and smiling and then looking at each other and giggling. It was great!
I arrived at borders but when I got inside I started to feel a little queasy. I decided to order a double cappuccino and sit a while to see if I felt better. I had just about finished my coffee when all of a sudden nature called fast and furious. As I hurried to the restroom I realized maybe I shouldn’t have eaten those extra chocolates.
I made it through the door and halfway to the stall I already had my jeans darn near to my ankles. I looked up and there stood an elderly lady (about my age) reading my new birthday briefs! I started to say ‘lady what the?’ when she smacked me up side the head with her purse. As I fell backward she said, “pervert” and ran out of the restroom. I didn’t care and got to stall just in time. Just as I was washing up here comes the store manager. He seemed angry and told me to get out of the store and not come back. It seems in my haste I mistakenly went into the women’s restroom!
As I left the store I realized I must of pulled something all over in the fall because I was now walking with a gimp and a slight hunch. On the way to lowes I decided that while there I would look for a nice piece of oak that I could whittle a cane out of to help my with my new walking troubles.
I got to lowes and after a quick bathroom stop I found my way to lumber. I picked out a nice piece of oak and then went to the tool department to get a good whittling knife. I picked out a knife and headed to the cashier. I was still a little embarrassed about the borders incident but was feeling a little better and was anxious to get home and start whittling my new cane. After another restroom stop I went to my car and headed home.
On the way home my cell rang and I saw it was the AARP retuning my call about a problem with my membership. I answered the call but realized that the purse to my head had affected my hearing. I thought quick and saw my ‘over the hill hearing aid’ so I put it to my ear and then juggled the cell up to it. It worked! I could hear the person on the other line but just as we started our conversation I realized there was a policeman pulling me over.
The policeman came to the window and asked me what I was doing with this contraption and cell on my ear. I explained my predicament. He was a nice young black cop and seemed understanding. He told me to wait until I got where I was going to make the call because apparently I was driving erratically. I said ‘ok officer, thanks for the warning’.
Just as he was saying, “have a nice day” He happened to look over and see my ‘black girlfriend doll’ that mom gave me. He kind of laughed and asked, “what’s up with that?” Without thinking I laughed and said ‘oh, my mother gave that to me as a birthday joke’. Oddly his demeanor changed and he sternly said “you and your mother think that’s funny? What the hell kind of family do you have anyway? I’m going to write you a ticket for inattentive driving". I said ‘ok but please hurry. I have to use the bathroom'.
By this time I was just ready to get home. I was getting kind of sore from all the bathroom trips and wanted to get home and try some of that preparation h. I still wanted to whittle some on my cane and maybe play with my cow that poops jellybeans, then go to bed early. I guess 50 does hit you pretty hard because I felt I lot younger just a couple of days ago.
Anyway, thanks again all for making this b-day a memorable one. I really enjoyed it.
Sorry, I realized I’ve been ranting about myself and rudely forgot to ask, how was everyone else’s day?
Comments
Please be careful when you leave the house. In fact, there are some programs such as "Meals On Wheels" which may be of help to you. Perhaps it could be arranged so that you can stay safely at home and close to the bathroom.
Otherwise, I am glad your party was such a success and sure wish we had been there. You can retire now and take up your second career as the heir apparent to Dave Barry. An hysterical memoir!! Love you, and be careful not to choke on those jellybeans, Carol